I did not realize I was running away from so much, but I moved out here and I did not have anybody. I do not think I did it exactly the right way. I had foolishly, I mean, I think I made the right choice in moving to Austin. I had been in dark places in my life before, but I guess in those moments I had people around me. “It was not the first time I had had them. “I was having very active thoughts of ending my life,” he revealed. Later, he recounts how he ultimately checked into the emergency room due to suicidal thoughts. “I’m sitting in my truck, and vividly, I remember I was holding onto the wheel and I was just shaking back and forth, that like almost trying to shake myself out of what it was going on, and I’m just weeping. If you’re hungry, go get some food, ‘”he continued. It does not matter if you go to that pizza joint or that Chinese place or whatever. I drove around probably for 10 minutes not knowing which place to eat because I did not know which place was the right place to eat as opposed to just saying, ‘Zach, just go eat some food. The feeling of despondency mixed with self-hatred and panic created an emotional scene. Vargas asks Levi to detail the panic attack that ultimately led him to seek treatment and he said he moved to Austin and was having trouble doing routine activities like unpacking boxes and zeroing in on a restaurant. “I think that that carried with me into my career in Hollywood, and it gets reaffirmed to you in the lies that you tell yourself when you are not getting certain jobs, you’re not being hired to go do that movie or that show with this level of director or producer or actor or whatever it is.
I’ve never really felt like I am a part of whatever the cool kid group is, ”he said, adding that those feelings can be traced to childhood as a“ nerdy ”kid who was often bullied. I feel like I’m a bit on the outside looking in. “My career was in a place where I felt like even though I had accomplished so many things up to that point, I was still, and to be honest, even now, I still feel this way. At one point, he believed that moving to Austin and building a movie studio would be the thing to give his life purpose. Levi’s career also played a part in how he would beat himself up. So, then you’re running back to get more and it just becomes this vicious cycle. “The irony is that booze can give you this temporary relief, but then the next day amplifies that anxiety tenfold. “I was running to lots of other things, whether it was sex or drugs or booze or things to distract me from, to numb myself from the pain that I was running away from most of my life,” he detailed. ”Īs he got older, Levi, like so many in the same position, treated his issues with a combination of substances and vices. I mean, it was lots of vitriol, lots of yelling. There’ll be another test and we can work on it, ‘whatever it was, but if she was in a bad mood, it was the end of the world. Anyone who spends time with borderline personalities, if I would come home and my mom was in a good mood, I could tell her, ‘Hey, I did not do so well on this test at school,’ and she’d be like, ‘Oh, do not worry about it. She had an impossible target because it kept moving. So, she did not have an impossibly high bar. “The majority of my life, I grew up in a household where my stepfather was a perfectionist on the highest of levels, his bar was so high, was impossible to reach, and then a mother who was a borderline personality. I did not realize that I was struggling with these things until I was 37, about five years ago and I had a complete mental breakdown, ”Levi explained before revealing his struggles began in his youth while growing up in a complicated household. “I’ve struggled with this stuff most of my life. In the opening moments of the podcast, Vargas – someone who has been open about her own struggles with substance abuse and anxiety (and finding recovery) as recounted in her book Between Breaths – praises Levi’s book as “amazing” and “amazingly honest” for how he details his mental health issues.
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Maisel, American Underdog spirit The Mauritanian (and the upcoming Shazam! Fury of the Gods), also touched on the misconception that wealthy and / or public figures are free from such struggles, how the suicides of Anthony Bourdain and Robin Williams affected him, why he delayed the release of Radical Love and the rituals he practices to stay in a healthy place. Levi, well known for working on other high-profile projects like Chuck, Tangled, The Marvelous Mrs.
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